4/6/2010
A number of people have marveled at my cool head with respect to my upcoming surgery, on the 8th. They've asked how I manage to keep so calm, and remark that if our roles were reversed, they'd be nervous wrecks.
The answer is that my separation and impending divorce are weighing much more heavily on me than the health issue. I do tend to be the obsessive type, and I myself have wondered why and how I could possibly back-burner the threat of cancer. After thinking it over I've concluded the reason why I'm not living in fear for my life is that I feel as if I've lost it already.
I've lost virtually everything that matters most to me; so many things I thought I had and always would. A marriage, a life partner, a best friend, an intact nuclear family, a shared future, a home I designed and loved, a certain kind of relationship with my children, the security in believing I'd never have to worry about being someone's ex-wife, someone else's second wife, or any child's stepmother. The security in believing I'd never have to get back on the dating merry-go-round, or endure any awkward blended-family holidays.
All of those things, the things that formed most of the fabric of my life, self-image and identity, are gone now. I have to build a whole new life, a new self-image and identity, and I have to do it at the age of 45. Cancer can't be any scarier than that.
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You remain in my thoughts
ReplyDeleteThanks, Heatherann. It's a tough row to hoe, and it helps to know there are people out there pulling for me.
ReplyDeleteI just wish there was more to say, but when I read what I write in response it feels hallow or preachy. Words fail to express what one hug could easily communicate. I'm pulling for you.
ReplyDeleteXXXXOOOOXOXOXOXO. (And that's from the heart.)
ReplyDeleteApril, I'm so sorry you're going through so many things at once. I know each day must be a challenge. You have a lot of family out here in virtual land, so continue to reach out. Big hugs!
ReplyDeleteMore hugs to you. It seems trite to say right now, but you WILL come out the other side stronger. Life changes, throws you under the bus, but you will have more passion for the new life you carve. Believe.
ReplyDeleteApril, so sorry that you're going through so much at the same time. I'm thinking of you tonight as are so many others who believe in YOU. hugs !
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to tell you I downloaded both of your books and finished them a couple of days ago. I enjoyed them both (very different from each other) but I think Adelaide Einstein was my favorite of the two. She is certainly a hopeful character! My best wishes to you.
ReplyDeleteThanks again, Heatherann. And thanks also to Steve, Debra, Laura and Donna. Every kind word lightens my load a bit, and gives me hope. As Dickenson wrote:
ReplyDeleteHope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
Thank you all for keeping me warm.