A number of people have marveled at my cool head with respect to my upcoming surgery, on the 8th. They've asked how I manage to keep so calm, and remark that if our roles were reversed, they'd be nervous wrecks.
The answer is that my separation and impending divorce are weighing much more heavily on me than the health issue. I do tend to be the obsessive type, and I myself have wondered why and how I could possibly back-burner the threat of cancer. After thinking it over I've concluded the reason why I'm not living in fear for my life is that I feel as if I've lost it already.
I've lost virtually everything that matters most to me; so many things I thought I had and always would. A marriage, a life partner, a best friend, an intact nuclear family, a shared future, a home I designed and loved, a certain kind of relationship with my children, the security in believing I'd never have to worry about being someone's ex-wife, someone else's second wife, or any child's stepmother. The security in believing I'd never have to get back on the dating merry-go-round, or endure any awkward blended-family holidays.
All of those things, the things that formed most of the fabric of my life, self-image and identity, are gone now. I have to build a whole new life, a new self-image and identity, and I have to do it at the age of 45. Cancer can't be any scarier than that.