I'm not sleeping much, and what little sleep I am getting is mostly during the day. When you've been used to sleeping next to a certain warm body for over 18 years, drowsily reaching out to squeeze a hand or stroke an arm when one of you stirs enough to wake the other, the absence of that body is felt more keenly than the presence of it ever was.
In the indifferent dark and quiet of the wee hours, when everyone else is peacefully snoozing---even the cats---, I'm lying wide awake and exhausted. Every time I start to get within range of a doze, some new and unwanted question or realization inserts itself into my psyche. Here's a sampling from around 2am this morning.
What's going to happen with the trip we've always taken every summer with his side of the extended family, for which the condo has already been reserved? Is he going to go with the kids, or am I? Will we just send the kids with his parents? If he goes, will I resent it? If I go, will I be able to enjoy the trip at all or will it be awkward? And if we just send the kids, will they spend the whole time wishing we were both there?
If I end up having more surgery, how long will I be laid up and dependent on him to take care of the kids? How will I look when it's over, and how will it feel?
My car's 11 years old and we'd been talking about getting me something new. What happens now? Is this something I can have written into the divorce settlement?
What questions do I need to ask our tax preparer when we see him in a couple of days? What are the tax ramifications of divorce?
I'm a 45 year old woman with two children and the body of a 45 year old woman who's had two children. Soon to be divorced. Is any man ever going to be interested in this package deal, or am I doomed to be alone for the rest of my life? Could I be happy alone, like Kate Hepburn?
Should I go back to dyeing my gray hair? Do I have to start wearing Spanx now?
In Something Wicked This Way Comes, Ray Bradbury writes that 3am is the "midnight of the soul" for men. It's no picnic for women either, Ray.