Dating Games

If you've ever tried online dating, no doubt you've seen it, or some variation of it, on countless profiles: "No games, please." "I'm just looking for someone who can be real, and honest with me." "No drama!"

Don't believe a word.

If I may translate from dating-profile-ese to English, what these assertions really mean is, "No games except for the ones I enjoy and expect, and no, I will not tell you in advance what those are," "I'm just looking for someone who will be operating on the exact same wavelength of attraction and intimacy as I am at all times, and if not, will fake it skillfully enough to keep my interest until or unless we're more in synch," and, "No outside distractions, commitments or actions that are irrelevant or scary to me, and no, I will not tell you in advance which kinds of distractions, commitments or actions I find irrelevant or scary," respectively.

Even when put into such stark terms, all of these desires are totally legitimate and typical to most human beings looking for romance. If we're on a dating site, it's because we want more or less the same thing, whether in a transient or more lasting form: connection, and the validation that comes with it.

The question of whether or not you'll conclude someone you've met is "playing games", much like the question of whether or not you feel you're being sexually harassed, comes down to how much you are, or aren't, enjoying it. To paraphrase Adam Carolla from his book, "In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks", barring exceptional outliers, no one minds getting a wink or flirtatious compliment from someone he or she finds appealing. But put that same wink or flirtation in the context of an encounter with someone you find creepy or grossly unattractive, and suddenly it's an offense to your delicate sensibilities.

Similarly, the new acquaintance who starts calling you two or more times a day, every day, following a first date may seem refreshingly open and unwilling to "play games", or scarily smothering and desperate. The only difference is how you feel about that person, and whether you want that kind of attention from that specific person. Unfortunately, there's no way to tell how you're going to feel about this stuff ahead of time, and most first dates do not end with a Vulcan mind meld.

So the man who's really into you, who even said he's really into you at the end of the evening, opts not to call you for a few days—not because he was lying, or because he doesn't want to call you, but because he doesn't want to blow a shot with someone he thinks could be special by coming on too strong. After all, there's a fair to middling chance you're not quite as excited about him. Is he "playing games", or playing it safe? The answer depends on whether you spend those three days anxiously waiting to hear from this potential Prince Charming, or just going about your business as usual, either having no strong feelings one way or the other, or actually hoping he doesn't call.

As for drama, look at it this way: there's a reason why every successful romance story prominently features the couple bonding over some kind of Seemingly Insurmountable Hardship, ultimately culminating in a Big Gesture that wins over the reluctant swain or doubtful heroine. Every one of those Seemingly Insurmountable Hardships and Big Gestures is drama incarnate.

So if you're really into Lara Croft, you can hardly imagine a more fertile ground for romance than traipsing across the globe hunting for priceless relics while dodging bullets from bad guys. If not, you call, "Drama!" and take a powder. If you dig Lloyd Dobler (from the movie Say Anything, IMDB it), having him stand on your lawn with a boom box hoisted over his head playing "In Your Eyes" loud enough to wake you and all your neighbors is the most romantic and heart-melting thing ever. If not, you call, "Drama!" and tell him to get lost. To bring this closer to non-movie reality…if you're kinda nuts about your neighbor's wife and she's kinda nuts about you too, you see the issues of infidelity and possible disastrous repercussions as sexily dangerous. If she's kinda nuts about you and you don't second that emotion, you just see her as kinda nuts in general, you call, "Drama!" and stop going to block parties in your neighborhood.

True, there is a class of people in the world who seem to thrive on crisis, and for them, there's a corresponding class of people who seem to thrive on crisis management. These two groups were made for each other, and not for anyone else. But even then, if this is not the sort of relationship you're looking for, it'd be more accurate to say you don't like high-strung people than to say you don't like drama.

You love drama, you crave drama, as do we all. But you only love and crave the specific kind of drama that registers as a Big Gesture in your specific lexicon of romance and reality, and only when it's coming from the right person.

You might think it's still better for people to follow their instincts and act on their impulses, because if the couple aren't on the same page it's better for them to discover this early on, before either one has invested too heavily in the other. However, as we all know, the typical trajectory of romantic interest fulfilled follows a predictable arc from "interested" toward "totally into me", so if there's any spark between the couple at all, it's probably a mistake to abandon all hope on the ground floor just because one of you is sparking a little harder than the other at first.

Don't kid yourself. At the outset you want games and you don't want anyone to be totally real with you, and when you're with the right person, you love drama.

And that's okay.