It's Christmas, I'm Alone, And I'm Okay

Per the custody schedule, I had my Christmas with the kids yesterday. Today may be the 25th, but for me, it's just Saturday. And I'm fine with that.

I know there are lots of divorced families who alternate, having the kids spend the holiday with one parent one year and with the other the next, but I just couldn't imagine spending any Christmases without my kids. I also knew an alternating schedule would steal something important away from them, and they've paid far too much for the foibles of their parents already.

All the kids' lives, they've been used to attending the huge, extended family blowout at my ex's parents' house on Christmas. All the usually out-of-town cousins, aunts, uncles and friends will be there, and it's a big, colorful, noisy, fun day of feasting, playing, visiting and eating far too much candy that lasts from around noon till nearly midnight. The 26th, everyone who's travelled to be there usually sticks around for one more day and the huge group ventures out for bowling, or to the park to play with new sporting equipment, or for a hike, or something else, followed by an afternoon of noshing on leftovers, more play and more visiting. If I'd agreed to an alternating schedule the kids would miss out on this every other year, and however hard I might try to make the 25th and 26th special for them, it would never measure up to these ghosts of Christmas past.

To be clear, it's not that I'm no longer welcome at my former in-laws. I think it's very much the opposite, and they would prefer I were there with them and the rest of the group today. But it would tax my already tired heart to be there, with him and the kids there, but no longer as a family. Everyone would be trying very hard to act as if nothing's changed, just to keep the mood light and festive. But I can't do it. Not yet. It's too soon, it would feel too much like a denial and dismissal of everything I've been through this year.

And let's face it, the divorce would be the elephant in the room, it would dominate everyone's thoughts whether or not anyone actually speaks of it. I was part of that extended family for nearly 20 years, and I still care about them. They shouldn't have to spend their holiday worrying about appearances and split loyalties, or wondering what they can or can't say.

The ex originally proposed letting the kids be with me for Christmas morning and then picking them up around 10 so he could have the "Christmas experience" with them at his place, and then continue on to the big party. But the thought of trying to cram my Christmas with the kids into a few, rushed hours and then hugging them goodbye, knowing it's Christmas and I'd be spending the rest of it alone, was too much to take. Far better, I decided, if I could wake up alone that day and treat it just the same as any other day when the kids are away for visitation.

So the kids and I have formed our own, new Christmas traditions. The 23rd is our Christmas Eve, the 24th is our Christmas, and the 25th is just another ordinary day for me. The kids' father picked them up at 8 last night, so he got to have his "Christmas experience" with them this morning. The kids will get to have the festive, boisterous Christmas they've always enjoyed at their grandparents' home the rest of today and tomorrow, and I've already had my own, quieter holiday time with them.

I spread the word ahead of time that I planned to spend the 25th the way I understand a lot of Jewish people do, going to the movies and eating Chinese food, and some of Santa's helpers have come through for me with movie passes. I've never had a problem going to the movies or to restaurants alone, so this is nothing new for me. Unfortunately, out here in the predominantly gentile/Christian 'burbs where I live all the Chinese places are closed, but I can probably find something with "Asian" in its title on the dinner menu at Denny's tonight, after I've seen the latest Harry Potter and Tron.

Since this day was planned well in advance, I've actually been looking forward to it. Even more so as it approached, because I've been pretty ill this past week with a chest cold. Thankfully, the rain that's been drenching the Los Angeles basin for the past couple of weeks stopped on Thursday, and the sun is shining today. I'm still not fully back up to par, but I'm well enough to sit in a darkened theater for a number of hours and then let a waitress serve me a coffee shop meal.

I can honestly say: it's Christmas, I'm alone, and I'm okay.