What Goes Up...

...must come back down, evidently.

I'd been feeling so good. So normal. So functional. I hadn't cried in weeks. And then something happened, something I can't write about here because it involves certain other people who would rather not be featured players on the internet.

If you've been following this blog from the start, you know what my deal is. You know my husband recently left me after over 18 years of marriage. You can guess some of the circumstances surrounding that situation, they're not unusual. And if you try to guess what might have happened two days ago, about a month after he moved out, that would bring my new, fragile little world crashing down around me, the list of possibilities is short. Pick one and plug it in; if you're not right, you're not too wide of the mark.

It's crushing to feel most of the progress I've made over the past few weeks evaporate in a single day. No, in a single moment. It's demoralizing to realize I'm still in a place where my sense of well-being is still largely under the control of other people---and that the one person who has the most control over it is the one who walked out on me in the first place. Hardly the person I would've left in charge, if it were up to me.

The unwanted companions are all back: pain, doubt, fear, anger, insomnia, loss of appetite and sudden, unexpected emotional outbursts in public places.

Tomorrow, a realtor is coming over for a consultation about getting my house ready to sell. I was feeling strong and confident when I made that appointment. Now, not so much. Dread, come on in. The gang's all here.